Is it the winds of change gently blowing in my face or someone farting in my general direction?

Naive I look up in the sky and expect answers and signs. Some people see things up there, I envy them. I have taken to believe in things I see. Idiotic?

I take things seriously that have no inherent importance and vice versa. That is to say, this weekly state is – and here I apologise to you my dear reader – of no importance. But seriously written by me.

Oh how it warms my heart to be seriously childish, sternly playful, concentrated on the silliness of life.

So often I try. To follow the instructions of the manual to living. Only to find out that a couple of screws are missing. And so life continues, wonky as a coffee table in the centre of some metropolis. Yet, people accept the wonky table, similar to me accepting that apparently everyone got a different manual.

By this point, you will have noticed that this weekly state follows no order, no bigger theme. It has no importance to world history, is that not a relief?

If you haven’t been silly this week, go on, start laughing. Giggle or snort, whatever tickles you internally. From feeling stupid because you force yourself to a genuine laughter. That is silliness and I am here for it. At least on this late Sunday.

Before my head disappears in the clouds I will blow some smoke for the illusion of disappearing.

I am waiting in my carton, amongst equals but somehow special. Lust has brought us here, desire will deliver us to our final destination. I am a product of nature, yet unhealthy. At some point, I will disappear completely (luckily?).

Yet here I am, in your hands. It is up to you to pursue this habit.

It makes no sense but oh the sensation is pleasant. There’s no reason, it’s pure nonsense. Yet somehow we meet again and again.

For whatever reason you have brought me here, in this very moment it does not matter. Perhaps it’s what’s supposed to happen. Perhaps it is the culture. Maybe desire? Sadness? Peer pressure?

We will not find out, you and me.

I might just be a cigarette, but is our encounter not emblematic for something larger? Am I just delusional, making myself feel special among the thousands beside me?

Will you go through with it?

I am devouring moldy cheese and no one can stop me.

While the cheese slowly untangles the endorphins I contemplate whether the longing for something attainable is more rewarding that the yearning for things never to be reached. As arrogant organisms on earth, humans have an unhealthy appetite for more, notwithstanding already being pampered.

Nutrition, worth in any sense, position. MORE.

As they do, Germans have expressed this sentiment and actively acknowledged the: seemingly intrinsic nature of humankind. Sehnsucht – the addiction to longing – yearning.

Shouldn’t they be taught a lesson by yearning for the unattainable?

Truly yearning for something involves the tragedy of not being able to achieve it. Yearning is a lesson in patience, in devotion and ultimately, acceptance.

While I am slowly being numbed by the unhealthy amounts of moldy cheese in my stomach I being to fall into a coma, a state of numbness that is a consequence of the fulfilment of my longing. No longing anymore, for the cheese, just a state of lethargy. Devoid of emotions I rethink why I was eating so much cheese.

The emotions that come and go with yearning are never the same, but always intense. Contemplating what could have happened, yearning for the moment that never was and most likely never will be. It hits, always intense but never the same.

So while my longing for cheese led me to this state of immobility, I continue to yearn. For the big things, the noble and tragic things. The small ideas and the big emotions. The alternate realities, the things I am not, the lightness of my being that sparkles somewhere.

Perhaps I should get some more cheese. I mean, who will stop me?